This morning my husband and his mother left at 6:45 in order
to get to an appointment she had far out on Long Island at 8:30. I was awake
when they left since my older daughter had to be at school by 7:50 and had to
walk this morning because we are managing with just one vehicle. So, at 7 I
made sure she was awake so that she could leave by 7:30. That left my
four-year-old, Alicia, home with me. She was asleep because she tends to party
hardy with grandma at night when everyone else is asleep. However, she has a
need to feel someone next to her while she is sleeping. But since she was
asleep, and it was early, I left her in her grandmothers’ room and I proceeded
to continue work on my presentation for class, upstairs in my room. At 7:51 I
heard the shuffle of little feet on the floor. I figured that she would come
upstairs and lay in my bed so that she would not be alone, but she did not. I
heard her walking around for at least 3 minutes, then I heard her begin to
sniffle. I was shocked because she would normally come right upstairs. Then it
got quiet, she had gone back to her grandmothers’ room. I wanted to go get her
but part of me wanted to see how long it would take her to check for me
upstairs. I then heard her come back out. I thought she was coming up, but she
had gone to the kitchen and slid the blinds over to look for the truck. She
obviously saw that it was not there and began to cry again and I wondered, why
she didn’t just come upstairs. I wanted to go but still I waited. Again, she
went to grandmas’ room. And at 7:58 she finally made her way upstairs and when
she saw me, she gave a little smirk with tears in her eyes.
At the moment I had asked myself why she didn’t just come
upstairs, I had an epiphany! I could hear inside of me, God saying “this is you
and Me. I’m always here and aware of you, even when you think you are alone. I
know you are safe even when you are scared. If you really needed me, I would be
right there, but I want you to come to me out of your KNOWING that I’m here,
not out of fear. When you cry, I wonder, why doesn’t she just ask for me? You
just forgot, but in My wisdom, I know you will figure it out and I give you the
space to do so.” As parents we tend to want to help our children over and
through everything denying them the opportunity for the growth that occurs when
THEY try and subsequently figure things out for themselves. We should always be
there as a guide when needed, not a crutch to always lean on.
This follows an experience I had yesterday, Monday, which
actually began Sunday night. Before going to bed I had asked God, why I keep
going through the same patterns where I have “down time”. During these “down
times” I’ve not been working and felt I should be working, or business died,
and I was not able to find more, its as if, the well dries up and with all of
my efforts, I can’t get anything to flow. And during these times in the past,
I’ve called a friend of mine who talks me through, prays me through and listens
to me and my questions to God. But this time, although I thought of her, I
decided to just ask God. The answer came to me Monday evening as I was leaving
Walmart. And it was simple, “fallow, you are in a fallow season”. I heard it,
because I’m getting used to hearing this internal voice. I first learned the
word fallow because of a semester project I am working on covering
deforestation. The best explanation I received concerning the fallow period
said that this is when the once productive farm land is given time to rest and
rejuvenate, by regenerating the nutrients in the soil that will make it
productive for the next season. The nutrients come from the natural microbial
life, worms, the grass that grows and animal excrement that happens organically.
Farmers said that if the land is not given this period of time all nutrient in
the soil will be depleted and crop production will be low or unsuccessful. They
also said that with the advent of agricultural products that allow for
continued production from the land, this actually causes a further depletion of
soil nutrients making the land obsolete. As I listened to these farmers, I had
an epiphany…again. The land was likened to man. We are depleted by continuous
production. We need a time to rest, a fallow season, where we rejuvenate naturally,
with God. And in this fallow season, we are being prepared for production in
the coming season. So, a full circle answer because I was listening. It is now
my prayer that I recognize this pattern when it returns in the future and am
not unnerved by it. Even through my feeling of unease, I had moments of clarity
where I would tell myself, “you know the seeds you’ve planted, you can’t dig
them up, they will germinate in time.” I also had moments of crazy, I worked at
McDonalds for 3.5 hours and my rationale for this was that we need money and
McDonalds is an honest job. But that didn’t work out because of the KNOWING
that I did not belong there.
All that to say, trust the process, God knows what He is
doing. Your fruit will come forth in its proper time and no amount of pushing
or forcing from you can speed that up. Also, remember that God is our father
and His view of our situation is not that of a child.
Luke 8:15
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